Why does it really matter to me?
Teaching a course in the emotional education of a child is part of what I do to fulfil my mission in this beautiful life.
This week, with a purely human-research interest, my course-mate, who also did a BEA course with me a year ago, wrote to me out of interest because he doesn't have children (yet): "Spoiltness is associated with the inability to set boundaries. But what about the differentiation of needs and wants? And can this be linked to promiscuity? I don't understand."
I clarified his need, as a proper PEP mum should: "Don't you understand the difference between indiscriminately satisfying whims and satisfying needs?"
He replies, "I remember you said you can't spoil a child. Something was that there is no such thing as spoiling?"
I have been challenged, I understand. And since my course mate's question might be of interest to you too (because, why not?), here goes the answer.
The term "spoilt" is usually used against a child in a wide variety of situations. It is attributed to children both when they are 2 years old and crying because they are scared and need comforting and when they do not want to stop watching a cartoon.
"This one is spoilt!" - as a negative label for a child, which the child can do nothing about. He cannot stop being "spoilt" without adult help, because it is directly the responsibility of adults. Not to mention that wanting to be comforted and even not wanting to stop watching a cartoon is not "spoilt", but in one case a normal need of a child, and in the other case a normal reaction of a child, especially a child who needs more time to learn impulse control.
I think we could use "spoilt" in a situation (not about a child or a parent who "spoils") where the parent either very consciously or unconsciously does not allow the possibility of the child crying, being frustrated, being angry with the parent, wanting only to be the child's friend. The all-permissive parenting style.
The child's "spoilt" reaction is to try to grasp the chaos of this parenting approach by taking more and more control, searching (unconsciously, of course) for where the boundaries are. He compensates for his natural childish desire for a present, stable adult in his life with "I want to get everything I want to get".
As you can see, the second option should also lead to compassion for the child and often also for the parent, not to such derisive criticism - what a spoilt brat! You have spoilt him!
In my opinion, the term "spoilt" is as "meaningful" as the term "lazy". Those who understand how the brain works (at least as far as we can understand it at the moment) know that underneath laziness can be anything-anything, and least of all a deliberate desire not to do what needs to be done.
"Thank you!" he writes back. "It then follows that, technically, "spoilt" is and could be used in situations where there is unconscious permissiveness. But this is not a productive/welcoming term - rather a condemning one."
Yes! A judgmental term, meaningless, unhelpful, insensitive and puts the child (and the parent) in a helpless position.
If you see a situation where a child only needs to tap his foot on the ground to "get his way", then... first, don't judge or judge anything, because you probably know nothing about this family, but if you don't, then second, you better look with kindness and empathy, because most likely these parents, for reasons unknown to you (and probably also to themselves), cannot tolerate the anger of a child. Better if they don't. And that is such a big internal conflict, because you as a parent know that it is not good to do that, and you yourself do not understand why you have given in.
Oh, and if someone tells you that you have spoiled your child because he comes to you or asks you for comfort, then I have nothing to say, because everything has already been said about that. But if you do want to know what it is really like with your child, let me know! 🙂
