Why does it really matter to me?
Teaching a course in the emotional education of a child is part of what I do to fulfil my mission in this beautiful life.
Once, in a consultation, a dad shared with me his concerns about how his child was being affected by his current family situation.
My parents went through a difficult divorce. He was only allowed to see his child once a week at that point.
"What should I say to him?"
"How do I talk to him?"
"What do I do when he wants to come to Mummy on the one rare occasion when he is allowed to stay overnight?"
These are quite normal questions at a time like this. However, I invite you to think a bit: who cares about the answers? What is the real need of this person when he asks this question?
Right! You're a good catch if you've been following me for a while 🙂 This person's real need is for someone to listen to his ignorance. Yet this dad wishes that nothing like this had happened in their life and that the child did not have to go through his parents' divorce. Yet this dad wishes HE WASN'T THE ONE WHO'S child has to experience such emotional pain. If others are hurting my child, I can go and defend them!
But painful things happen in life, including things that are caused by us - the parents of children.
I invite you to think about this a little and to move.
Then try to think about what needs and who are "on" here.
1. As an adult, these questions arise because you are uncertain, afraid, worried about the future, guilty about what both the child and the ex-partner are going through. You need emotional support. Someone who listens to you in a non-judgmental way. But that's just my interpretation. You might answer differently, which is your need. Remember that there is a difference between wants/ whims and needs. You may want things to work out, but you don't know how they will work out.
2. Your child needs your emotional support when he shares his experiences about your family situation. That's why the first point was about you. Because if you don't get emotional support, it will be very difficult for the child to be a stable, secure adult at this point.
3. The child needs you to take responsibility. Yes, there are some difficult situations where you can't figure out who is in charge, but in a child-parent relationship, the parent should always be in charge.
I wish you to feel this responsibility and the strength to be the child's secure support. I wish you to find acceptance in the fact that your child is and will be going through different experiences and turbulences in his/her life. Sometimes you may indeed be the cause of these upheavals.
It may be. It can hurt.
And you can be there for your child.
I am sure of it 🙂
