What does the child give you permission to say?

In The Queen's Gambit (2020), there is a small episode where the main character Beth talks to her stepmother about a lost game. The stepmother, comforting her daughter, says that sometimes you have to lose, and it wasn't really a lost game at all, but the grand prize will be split in half. Beth did not find this reassurance comforting.

Meita: You don't know anything about chess.
Mother: I know what it's like to lose.
Daughter: yes, you know that! (Because her stepmother had been abandoned by her husband, so Beth wanted to "bite" her stepmother by pressing on one of the most painful points.)
After a short pause: ... And now you know it too.

It is so difficult to be there for a child when they are experiencing pain, loss, hardship, anger, rejection, and because of all this, without being able to recognise and consciously regulate their emotions, they can say hurtful things to their parents.

"I don't love you!"
"You're a bad mum!"
"You don't love me at all!"
"You don't care about me!"

When you give your child most of your energy, time, care and love, these statements come like a cold shower of water. At first they are stunning, then they cause resentment and anger, which can turn into harsh reproaches.

"How dare you talk to me?!"
"You don't appreciate my concern at all!"
"I have given you my whole life, you ingrate!"
"You don't even know what a bad mum means!"

If only we all had the wisdom to pause and respond as calmly and wisely as Beth's stepmother did.

What does it require?

It requires:
1. understand that you are talking to a child who is learning about the world and himself, not an adult.
2. a healthy self-esteem that doesn't depend on how much you "sacrifice" for your child. A child does not need 100 years of your devotion.
3. accept that your child's need at that moment is for you to be able to contain his emotions, not to get caught up in your own by getting defensive or attacking.

The fact that your child allows you to say all this means that you are communicating. The child therefore knows, on an unconscious level, that he/she can express negative emotions in your presence.

Your task at that point would be to name the emotion(s) the child is experiencing, what it is about.

"You feel angry that you have to stop watching cartoons now. They are so interesting that you want to watch them again and again, don't you?"

Sometimes we can give words to express these emotions in a respectful way.

In the whirlwind of strong emotions, the little man has found the most painful and harsh words he can imagine. This does not show anything about his (dis)love for you, but rather lets you know how angry he is.

Imagine that the child is the ocean and that you are a lofty and stable rock, willingly allowing yourself to absorb the larger and smaller waves of the child's emotions, reminding yourself: 'This too can be! In this storm, I will be here to support you!"

We talk about emotions, how to communicate respectfully with a child, how to teach boundaries, respect for others and oneself, what to expect and what to count on when raising a child from birth to 6 years of age in the Emotional Education of the Child course: https://elinaklavina.lv/kursi/berna-emocionala-audzinasana-tiessaistes-kurss/

And if your rock-solid stamina is currently being tested by the big tantrums of a 1-3 year old and you've already done the BEA course and just need a good reminder and valuable practical advice, you can also buy the online mini-course "Caring for Little People's Big Emotions" - https://elinaklavina.lv/online-kursi/rupes-par-mazo-cilveku-lielajam-emocijam/

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