Why does it really matter to me?
Teaching a course in the emotional education of a child is part of what I do to fulfil my mission in this beautiful life.
Today, at the PEP Mum Consultation with new parents, we talked about how much research has been done on child development and how much research there is to do. Research seems to have confirmed information on every little aspect of a child's development, so for particularly diligent parents, there are tons of things to consider and implement to ensure the best growing conditions for their child or children. As they say, you just have to want it!
I just typed a random request into google - what can I do to make my baby smart?
The first one I came up with was an article with 7 ideas: talk to your child and read books, play music (preferably Mozart), eat fish, eat eggs, don't stress (hihi!), don't drink or pee and, of course, exercise!
That's all very well, but "What's the problem?" You ask me. "I want the best for my child. I'll do everything I can to make him smart, beautiful, healthy and with good self-esteem!"
The problem can be in the goal, in the execution, and in the hope for time.
Here I remember the film Substance. The main message from this film is that you are alone. Inside you there is both the part of you that is the best version of you and the part that wants and maintains that best version of you. Each of these parts, or the whole, deserves care and love, empathy, kindness towards itself.
Do you want your child to see only the smart and successful parts of himself as good and acceptable in his life? Or does it also give itself the care it deserves and accept failure and mistakes as a natural part of life?
I invite you to think about why you want to learn and apply the most effective, best methods for raising and caring for your child?
Ok, but I don't see a child here. I see the child as a means for you to heal your relationship with your past. It's not about the child, it's about you. The real need for this at the bottom - I still have a lot of pain about what happened in my childhood or is still happening in my relationship with my parents. And this is a good order to go to psychotherapy with!
Yes, you will do the best you can, but not in spite of, not analysing every step you take, every day, every moment, is this better than it was for me, am I not acting very much like my parents did, which hurt me so much? You will bring up this child by really seeing him and you will be able to separate your life experience from that of your child.
Ok, but what does this child want? What will you do when it turns out that he does have some cognitive or physical limitations in terms of what can be "squeezed" out of him? What will you do if he shows disinterest in some of the desired achievements and in the clubs, education and later career paths you offer?
Of course not. I'm just asking you to think about what it means in your world to give your child the best. With what purpose? Let it not come to mean that a child is a means to heal your experience and to fulfil your hopes and your self-worth.
I also spoke above about performance, how you realise this educational goal. Is it through self-indulgence, or is it through celebrating and not allowing yourself to make mistakes because the child has become part of the best version of you that you are desperately building and strengthening? The best version of you, the mother, listens to your child's emotions, balances the menu, takes him to the clubs, to the doctors. At the same time, the part of you that maintains all this burns out, doesn't experience being allowed to make mistakes, doesn't experience being listened to and accepted, and maybe doesn't even make sure you see a doctor even when you know clearly that something is not ok. But you don't show this to anyone, not even to yourself: "Shush, don't be silent, I have to go! I don't have time for this, I have to set the best example for my child!"
Imagine what it would be like if...
You are expecting a child with worries about yourself and thoughts of "What will my baby be like?" He is born, you watch him and study him: "Who are you, baby? How can I support you?" You also notice your body when it wants to eat, sleep, wash, go to the toilet. You notice that many of the things they tell you to do as a mother don't work or are very difficult, but you know that they are bean skins. You give yourself time to understand what life is like with a baby, how relationships with your partner change.
You let yourself be:
- sadness about life before having a baby,
- in anger and despair that breastfeeding is not working,
- the joy of a baby's first smile and word,
- for fear of upsetting him,
- mourn the fact that you couldn't have a loving relationship with your parents,
- wanting to take time for yourself (and taking it),
- FOMO, because life is happening for everyone, but for you time has stopped,
- to his great-grandfather, as if nothing had changed in his life,
- enter your version.
And you accept that this can be so, by seeking and finding listening ears that accept you with all this.
I could go on and on with this "image", but at some point I have to stop with a final conclusion 🙂 So..
I know that you only want the best for your child, just make sure that you don't burn out in the process of giving the best, that you don't teach your child by example that you don't care about yourself, that achievement is the most important thing, that he is only good when he fulfils your expectations (and through that, later in life, his own).
See that the moment when your child takes off on a life path and with people you didn't intend for him doesn't cause you a huge disappointment: 'I gave my whole life to you, I listened to Mozart for months, even though I hated it! And anyway, I love Beethoven, and I can't stand fish! I don't sleep at night to earn money for that expensive school, you have such talent, but you choose to raise sheep in the fields!" Well, or become an artist or another "thin table driller" :)))
If you make it this far, you get a virtual medal from me. 💛
