Elin, but the world is not like that!

Have you ever thought that our desire to raise our children to be better, more empathetic, safer and safer people might not be in the best interests of future adults, because the world is not so empathetic and safe after all?

The first of the year started on Tuesday BEA groups. There, a dad expressed his concerns to me:

Everything is very nice. I did a bit of reading ahead and now I am worried, is this what we really need to prepare our children for? It is different out there than what is written here!

I was discussing this topic recently with a friend and then my husband.

A friend who had just started a new job in a big company after parental leave wrote to me:

"Elin, I don't know... I'm confused. What I'm encountering here is completely at odds with what we've been learning. Grown-up people shouting at each other, talking behind each other's backs, scheming. A toxic environment! What kind of empathy are you talking about? No, it doesn't affect me, I feel my limits, but what they do to each other!"

I can understand the concern. Even more, I also face it on a daily basis, even though I have chosen a profession and a form of work where I create my own environment rather than having to fit into a team.

However, just a year ago at this time, our family had to deal with extreme disregard, disrespect, even violence towards our closest elderly loved one. I still cannot fathom what has to happen, what has to be your level of income, fatigue or life experience for you not to feel that you are being emotionally and physically abusive to someone?

As my husband sarcastically said after the violence against children in kindergarten was exposed by the programme "Forbidden Technique", "No, well, if low pay is an excuse for emotional abuse and even physical teasing, then we pay teachers even less. Then they will be able to hit the children safely too! Because, well, sorry - I can do that, I don't get paid enough!"

I see the same thing in the relationships between adults and with children in the street, in the shop or in other public places.

So how to be?

To raise children to be avengers, to be bullies, to teach them that if they hit you, hit back even harder? Teach swear words early so that if someone calls you names, you can swear back? Specially putting children in difficult, age-inappropriate situations so that they temper character?

We have scientifically proven evidence that secure attachment is the foundation of a strong, courageous, secure and critically thinking person. It is empathy, empathy and the ability to feel one's own and others' boundaries that help us to stand above toxic environments and to find the right weapons when the fight is really on.

A relatively new term and research area in the science of psychology - Resilience or Lifeforce (from English - resilience), which explores what underpins a person's ability to go through various hardships without breaking down and getting back on their feet.

Life force can also be built on stubbornness, on resistance, on proving - I'm not going to die just because you beat me! However, it is also clear that statistically, a person is much less likely to grow into a healthy and emotionally stable, resilient person if they come from a "difficult childhood" of severe deprivation and/or abuse.

In short, childhood abuse, insensitivity and harsh living conditions do not make for a strong adult with a tempered character.

Have you had any thoughts on this topic? How would you respond to this dad or my friend?

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